Co-Parenting

Co-parenting for some may be smooth and easy. In an ideal scenario parents are able to make decisions, trust the others judgement, and know that even if they can’t agree on everything that the other parent will make responsible and healthy decisions for their child. These fairy tales do exist and often are the example most families hope for when the romantic relationship between two adults end and separate households are the goal. Co-parenting unfortunately has many different complex issues and considerations that often are over-looked or simplified. This causes parents who are struggling to adapt to feel frustrated and overwhelmed with the new demands of co-parenting. Learning to communicate and navigate a new dynamic outside of the relationship they once had that was fraught with conflict, arguing, tension leaves parents feeling more helpless and out of control than when they were unhappy in their relationship. Sometimes the conflicts or abuse parents were attempting to gain freedom from and escape in the relationship by ending their cohabitation are now intensified and more high-conflict than before with a mandatory court order forcing interaction At least when they were in the relationship they could make decisions without being required to email the other parent for permission first, only to be told no or ghosted. If this isn’t a factor for your dynamic, maybe the introduction of new dating prospects, relationships, marriages and additional children with new partners has activated conflict that you hadn’t had before. Many new relationships end when this conflict presents due to the effect the blaming between co-parents plays in the new relationship. It is not uncommon for once cooperative co-parents to say “Everything was fine until He/She came in the picture!”.

So how do parents handle this? Are they doomed to never be able to have a new relationship? Are the children forever going to be placed in the middle to witness and hear about all the things the other parent or step-parent are doing wrong ? What about when abuse happened in the primary relationship, and only gets worse through legal abuse and coercive influence now focused on “winning” the children’s attention to control and harm the other parent? This also brings out personal insecurities when a new partner steps into the picture appearing as a threat to the legal parents status and role.

All of these scenarios and questions are common. An alternative to Co-Parenting in a Cooperative style is Co-Parenting in a Parallel style. Ultimately this is not a first choice by courts and the mediation process and typically is not even an option in decrees. However sometimes this is the only way to move forward and reduce the conflict the child feels. It has stumped me for years that our family court system expects parents who absolutely hate each other and cannot say one nice thing about the other, let alone agree on basic needs of a child are now expected to legally share, communicate and COOPERATE with each other. There just is no logic in this scenario. If they were able to do this, there is a good chance they would still be in a relationship in many scenarios. Parallel parenting means that each household has their own set of rules and expectations, there is very little “co-parenting” other than the necessary legal issues with where the child goes to school, and major medical decisions. Parallel parenting is hard at first, but often is needed when emotions and conflict exist to give the caregivers time to reset and enter in to a more neutral dynamic.

I also have been part of many mediation’s where parents are on round 2, 3, and even 5 (or more) of fighting over decisions about their children and parenting. Many skilled and wonderful attorney’s and mediators are well intentioned, however end up over managing the parenting conflict to a point that the details in agreements cause more problems than solve them. Courts are positioned to take an approach of fairness and equality in decisions among parents conflict which leads to more court filings, fighting, and trauma to the children having to wield the tension of their arguing parents. Special attention and considerations should be made when we have parents who just struggle in co-parenting. There is a reason divorce and parents living separately is one of the primary Adverse Childhood Experiences.

Sometimes the result of this conflict is not just anxiety and behavioral changes in the child, it eventually leads to estrangement and refusal to see one parent. When this happens what does a parent do? Do you force the child to attend their time with the other parent screaming and crying? Do you physically force the child in the car? Or do you just hope it’s a phase and it will pass? What if the preferred parent is coaching or influencing the child to act this way? This often leads to allegations of “Parental Alienation” and an even more intense fight aiding in the estrangement and refusals for contact.

The Fix…

Sometimes time is all that is needed to address conflict and give each person, including a child, time to grieve the change in the relationships and figure out routine. After all, the child most likely did not ask for their parents to be in conflict or for the family separation. Something to keep in mind, when caretakers separate and divorce they do not become two separate families. This outdated concept splits the child between them and takes on an expectation they aren’t developmentally capable of filling. Even when caretakers are on poor terms, they are still part of the family structure. They are what we refer to as a dual household family. The child does not lose their parents or family when this separation happens (we hope they don’t), but it looks different.

Co-parenting therapy services often can help neutralize the issues and help parents navigate the post separation process. There are new dynamics and rules to learn, new boundaries, and expectations in decision making. There often are grudges and resentments at play and need opportunity to heal. It is one of the core objectives in reunification and reconciliation work to address the breakdown in co-parenting dynamics. Once the parents are able to exist neutrally with each other and learn how to co-parent, the children let their guard down and are able to move freely between the two homes.

In situations where the caretakers are just starting the separation process in the court, a less common approach to assist the family before anything has been determined is Early Neutral Evaluation. Early neutral evaluation is a process that may take place soon after a case has been filed in court. The case is referred to an expert, usually a trained professional (clinician, attorney, mediator), who is asked to provide a balanced and unbiased evaluation of the dispute. The parties either submit written comments or meet in person with the expert. The expert identifies each side's strengths and weaknesses and provides an evaluation of the likely outcome of a trial. This evaluation can assist the parties in assessing their case and may propel them towards a settlement. This often takes place before mediation and shortly after the filing of paperwork. This service often saves thousands for families to avoid the legal fees taking a case to trial. It can guide the family and attorney’s early on related to custody evaluations and if there needs to be a child representative involved.

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