Litigating Hurt
One of the elements of a relationship ending or legal conflicts between family members is the long standing unmet emotional needs of those involved. Whether it is divorce, parent-child conflict, or adult children and family fighting a legal battle over decision making or estates, the biggest underlying factor is hurt, and second to this is a need for justice.
Seeking justice through the court system as an attempt to heal our emotional pain may seem like it will cure the sense of betrayal and pain we have. However the hardest news for people to accept is… it won’t. Harriet Lerner, a PhD researcher, author and psychologist who has specialized in the emotions of anger and family dynamics has special advice on dealing with forgiveness and healing emotional pain. She has written several books and been featured on many news and talk shows about her expertise.
The courtroom is a stage, and often we see families embroiled in a level of arguments and conflict that appear to be scripted from a Lifetime Movie Drama. Hurt people often use the court system as a way to take revenge. The hurt person wants to show the world how damaged they feel in a search for validation. They want to know that their suffering happened and is not imagined. The reality is, this is not the outcome of most court actions. Most involved parties walk away feeling diminished like they were re-victimized all over again. Through mediation processes where compromise is the goal, to leaving things up to a judge to make life altering decisions, when we litigate our hurt we are gambling in a very unpredictable game.
One of the areas that Dr. Lerner points out when people are stuck with insurmountable and intense anger is airing our suffering can be our way of taking revenge, by showing the other person as well as the world how deeply their behavior has harmed us. When we look at letting go of the anger, Dr. Lerner states many feel like it is giving up and recanting that our experience maybe wasn’t so bad and maybe we really weren’t that harmed by the other. As a result of this I see children and former partners live in their suffering as a means to justify their experiences and reality test what has happened to them. The idea of letting go of that anger feels like they are letting the person they are hurt by, win. The truth is, that anger is hurting us more and by staying angry we are giving away our power and we lose.
Second, Dr. Lerner points out that focusing and holding on to intense anger towards one person or event helps us avoid other more painful realities. Another example would be a teenager who focuses an immense amount of anger at one parent, usually the non-favored caretaker, during or after a divorce is doing so to avoid addressing the reality that they were hurt by both parents- the one who acted poorly and the other who did not protect them. Acknowledging both parents hurt them is more devastating emotionally than blaming just one. It’s too much to take in that both parents are responsible. This is also true in scenarios of conflicts in relationships between stepparents and birth parents. It is easier for the birth mother to focus intense anger towards a new and liked stepmother than it is for her to acknowledge and admit her shortcomings as a parent that trigger her own shame. It’s blaming and focusing anger toward the substance addicted parent for ruining the relationship and harming the children instead of acknowledging the feeling we couldn’t protect our children and allowed this to happen, and the embarrassment this causes us. “We’re unlikely to let go of a negative focus on one person if it allows us to protect our favored image of a different relationship, including our relationship with our own self.”, Dr. Harriet Lerner.
The third reason, according to Dr. Lerner, we may resist letting go of our anger is because, in a strange way, it keeps us connected to the very person who has hurt us. Anger is a form of intense (albeit negative) attachment, just like love. Both keep us attached to the other person, which is why so many couples are legally but not emotionally divorced. If, many years post-separation, you still can’t talk on the phone or be in the same room with your ex-spouse without feeling your stomach clutch, then you’re still attached. Children may hold on to intense anger after divorce if they have estranged themselves to continue to feel a connection to the other parent, even if significant time has passed. In fact this anger often grows in intensity the more time goes on, than it resolves and fades. This is why therapy and intervention early on is so important to address these emotions and relationship dynamics. Pretty soon the child, even as an adult child, can’t remember any positives in the relationship that may be healing, and often forget why they are angry in the first place.
Finally, Dr. Lerner shares, clinging to an angry internal dialogue keeps the fantasy of obtaining justice alive. This is where we litigate our hurt hoping for a fantasy outcome that just isn’t realistic. Our angry ruminations feed the unconscious belief that one magical day the offender will have a eureka experience, see what they’ve done, and collapse into shame. No one plans to cling to a connection that gives the offender so much power over our current emotional life.
I also see it so many times where legal professionals become overly involved and enmeshed with a clients case due to their own unresolved anger in a personally similar scenario as their client. Time and again I see legal counsel providing advice that may feel protective of their client, but in reality may be harming and misleading them and their children in the process fueling more anger and creating trauma for the family. Therapists are not excluded from this human quality either.
When we are litigating family issues, it is very important to get early clinical assessment of the family from a trained neutral professional that has experience with legal matters and the impact they have on our, and our children’s, mental health. This service is not used often enough. This doesn’t mean expensive and unnecessary custody evaluations. It does mean specialized family therapy focused on families struggling with these dynamics before mediation, filing contempt actions, or holding a trial. This is an invaluable asset to any family law case, especially the high conflict situations, to recognize the needs in the family during and post divorce as well as to identify from a professional position issues and recommendations to prevent ongoing court battles in the future. Think of the amount of time, money, and stress that would be saved if our legal system supported a recovery approach versus a win/lose approach to family law. Collaborative attorney’s recognize the value of these services. I cannot voice the level of frustration and disappointment when I see a legal professional push aside the need for collaborative practice and take an overly aggressive approach in a family law case. This is also the case with individual therapists encouraging an estrangement and failing to recognize the need for objectivity in therapy to move past victimization.
Lerner, Harriet (Mar/Apr 2022) Do i have to forgive you? Psychology Networker. https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/article/do-i-have-forgive-you