When Estrangement Happens.
Parenting From a Distance.
Parenting from a distance. Let that soak in for a moment. The words that begin and end this statement feel like such a contradiction. How does a bonded and caring person parent from a place of distance at the same time? Regardless the reason, whether it is due to children spending a summer at camp, divorced parents sharing parenting time, a child transitioning out of the home to go to college, or when more sobering and heartbreaking situations come in to play with estrangement for any number of reasons; feelings of loss, fear, and anxiety are all too real. For the sake of this article, I am going to focus more on the latter. The feelings related to estrangement.
What is estrangement? The word itself appears dramatic and empty. Oxford Dictionary offers: “(noun) the fact of no longer being on friendly terms or part of a social group; the fact of no longer living with one's spouse; separation.” Many of the associated or similar words listed with this definition are: alienation, antagonism, antipathy, disaffection, hostility… the list goes on, very few of them positive. When referring to estrangement in the context of a parent-child relationship it takes on the form of a verb. It is something actively done towards another and is perpetuated on a daily basis. These words serve as realities to the pain and frustration both experience. There are any number of reasons a child or parent may be estranged. The automatic reasons we can make sense of would be substance abuse, incarceration, domestic abuse, verbal/physical/emotional abuse by a caregiver. It also may simply be introducing a new partner the parent or child has, parental or child brain health issues, a need for more autonomy. When looking at these reasons or explanations for why and how estrangement happens it appears justified and reasonable through the child’s lens, even if it happens in adulthood. But a growing number of parent-child relationships in our modern parenting world are resulting in estrangement with little to no explanation. Over the last 30 years professionals and the courts have observed a shifting focus on encouraging individualism above family and community bonds. It’s actually becoming a bit of an epidemic. I receive private messages, emails and phone calls from parents wanting to know why and how to fix it. This isn’t an easy answer. Most of the time there is no significant trauma or incident that has taken place like most would assume. It is gradual, silent, and leaves parents scratching their heads wanting to know what went wrong, often blaming themselves and re-examining their parenting.
So what went wrong? Why won’t my child speak to me? Joshua Coleman PhD describes many different reasons in his book Rules of Estrangement. Dr. Coleman specializes in treatment of Parent-Child Estrangement. This includes a child’s individual therapist addressing issues within the therapeutic setting that improperly encourage estrangement and unnecessary separations. Court systems, individual therapists, and even family therapists are not trained or educated on estrangement or parental alienation dynamics and often neglect to identify opportunities to heal a broken family dynamics or harmfully support perspectives that are far from the truth. It is not uncommon to hear some individual therapists encourage a child to separate from their family and parent by encouraging estrangement in poorly given advice.
Over the last 30 years our American cultures focus has switched from a family oriented dynamic to an individual first dynamic. Parenting practices 70, 50, 30, and even 15 years ago no longer apply and through the power of social media and the internet have transformed significantly. There also continues to be ongoing research and brain science flooding our everyday language that we never had before often misused. This is very specific to American families, as Dr. Coleman cites is much less common outside of American cultural norms. We are inundated with psychological terms such as “narcissist” “borderline” and told we have “trauma” through social standards often replacing thorough psychological assessment. Our social media use very significant and highly defined psychological terms to describe everyday interactions, feelings of disappointment, and conflict. This is becoming a part of our culture, and with the strong emphasis on defining our trauma and advanced information on brain science, we are misapplying terms and definitions to experiences and situations that are typical and necessary disappointments and emotions for healthy development. Younger generations are now reflecting on childhood and applying these terms where they may not necessarily be accurate. Typical and developmentally necessary childhood mishaps, conflicts, and understandable parenting mistakes are retrospectively being translated into inaccurate descriptions of abusive parenting, narcissism, and trauma.
When an individual goes in to therapy, it is the natural and trained expectation in most counseling and therapy programs that the therapist takes on the perspective of the client. When a client enters therapy, it is the assumption that all therapists have the identical training and knowledge to help them with their issues and conflicts. A high level of trust is assumed. However, just as medical doctors all have the same basic training and knowledge, they have to seek out additional training, knowledge, and education to practice in any specialty area. We wouldn’t go to a cardiologist to address brain health issues, and we wouldn’t seek out a neurologist to deliver a baby. These professionals may each have the same basic medical knowledge underneath, however it took specialized training to focus on the many different areas of the medical arts. Therapy is no different. Not all therapists are trained to treat and address the same needs, dynamics and interventions. Unfortunately with brain health just now making an impression on our culture as a part of routine health, it is in its infancy and consumers of the service struggle to understand this, what to look for, and being aware of it’s impact. An individual attending therapy to address past percieved issues of parental trauma and abuse will often continue to be encouraged in their beliefs from new and untrained therapists. It’s necessary to include outside feedback and perspectives to use a family system’s approach in individual therapy when this presents. It’s essential the therapist maintain an unbiased and appropriately objective position to help challenge unrealistic or skewed perceptions. This approach is used in working with individuals with more severe brain health issues such as schizophrenia and psychosis, it is not unreasonable to apply similar techniques when addressing an individuals past. As clinicians we can support that person’s perspective without losing objectivity. The same is true when working with and assessing for bigger more culturally stigmatized issues such as domestic violence and abuse. We often by default take a defensive role when these scenarios are brought up, we forget to remain objective and fact based when parents bring in children for therapy.
In fact it is so prominently discussed and advocated in the protection of children and women in abusive relationships, as a society we have developed a highly defensive response and assumption never to question allegations even when we don’t have proper information. Why would we? However as clinicians its important to involve or interview the other parent to gain important insight to the situation unless legal limitations or protections are in place. Even then, it is important to treat both parents with the same care and boundaries without demonstrating preference. As clinicians in the majority of situations we can assess and support the survivor is telling the truth, or a very reliable version of it. However I cannot tell you how often therapy is used as a means to persuade a therapist through false allegations to assist in the estrangement between a parent and child. The Association of Family and Conciliation Courts very specifically define criteria for clinicians and courts along with American Psychological Association recommendations of how to address these dynamics. This does not mean we should automatically challenge someones report of abuse. What it does mean is that professionals working with individuals who have experienced these dynamics and history, should be properly trained to collect information and develop an informed and objective assessment to support proper treatment interventions.
But what happens when it’s not true? What happens when a parent who is abusive or toxic plays the role of victim and uses this to manipulate friends and community members, the court system, child welfare services, and professionals including therapists? How do we stop this? If a therapist or judge can’t see the truth, how is anyone else able to? And who exactly does these things? And why?
This is why it is important to find therapists and attorney’s who are trained and specialize in addressing these dynamics. Not just as the estranged parent, but also in accessing therapy services for the child and other parent. Parenting and Family Evaluations, Custody Evaluations, and Reunification Evaluations are all ways in which to assess for and determine dynamics when there is questions or contested allegations of abuse and neglect. Properly trained specialists are essential in remaining unbiased, objective, and maintaining clear boundaries related to these services to ensure careful research, consideration, and if needed psychological testing and polygraphs. This often requires a mediation and agreement between the parties, or a court order to mandate compliance between those involved. This can be scary. Especially to the estranged or abused parent. Fear of not being believed, persecuted, or shamed is a reason many refuse these interventions and assessments due to the experiences they have had in the court system and therapy services. These are all very real and intimidating. Working with those who specialize in these services can actually be very helpful, eliminate unnecessary court dates and legal fees, and can assist in developing appropriate boundaries and treatment recommendations to heal the family and bring the estranged parent-child back together.
Helpful Links:
American Psychological Association Position on Child Custody Evaluations
Association of Family and Conciliation Courts Court Involved Therapy